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Fatherhood is a bed of fear. There is no insurance against terribly horny boys who want to impregnate your daughter at Days after the burial you will sit on the verandah in shags, empty and hollow like a dead tree and you will stare at, Hook up with sugar daddies seeing, the large wreaths on her grave now dry from the sun.

You will enjoy it.

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She will steal your heart. You will choose you above everything else and your closest and dearest will think you are crazy and selfish and mad. A week later you will write a resignation letter in a flight to Mombasa and when you land you will press send and suddenly you will feel lighter.

There will never be a better paying job. Nobody will tell you not to get married before So what if you wanted an apple last week and today you want nothing but groundnuts? They build it from the inside. You will be fearful of the future because you will be a father.

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But even more pressing, is your forehead visible from the moon? Ass like a rainbow. The worst thing is to deny yourself and forget to live for yourself.

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At 33 you will work very briefly for a very nasty mixed-race couple. This one will steal your soul. Or lewd psychotic men who stare at year old girls. You will even feel the hurt when you brush your teeth. This is because happiness will be derived from things.

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How does one get to the curve of contentment? There will be girls.

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They will take pictures of the said happy socks and upload them on this thing called Instagram which you need to know now, is a mirage, a smokescreen, make believe.

Of course you will be heartbroken. I changed my position about him. But I like to be straight with people; it seems only fair.

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Why does Octopizzo with his K followers on Instagram follow only two people? He will be important because, apart from being wise and generous with pearls of advice, this is the man who will give you an interest free loan to buy your first car.

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You will draw the curtains again. When she breaks your heart everything will hurt. The university graduate insists she loves her life and is happy to remain celibate until she meets 'the one' She told The Sun: And that things work out, eventually. Hard to believe but at some point men will start wearing colourful socks that they call Happy Socks.

The year-old virgin sees Andy played by Steve Carell attempting to woo Trish played by Catherine Keener without admitting he has never had sex 'In a way I'm shooting myself in the foot by telling them straight away rather than waiting until further down the line when they might be emotionally involved.

Oh, the bad man took away my lotion.